Tobi's Crisis
by J1S4K
Summary: In which Deidara is forced to listen to Tobi's desires to 'pull up to da bumper and smack dat monkey!". Pure humorous one-shot, no pairing. Rated K for some minor swearing.


This a quick little one-shot I wrote for Tobi and Deidara. No romance, no pairing, simply humor.

Alright, dudes, that's the Author's note. Enjoy the story, and hang loose.

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"_Why?"_

Deidara grimaced as Tobi's pained moans cut through the air, distracting him once again from his sculpture. He flicked his ear irritably, before continuing his work.

"_Whyyyyyyy?"_

Deidara's grimace deepened at his partner's yell, though he tossed it away once more as the man-child's simply melodramatic behavior, and fed more clay to the mouths on his palms.

"_Tobi doesn't know whyyyyyy!"_

Deidara's last shred of self-control snapped, and his hand clenched, accidently smudging the face of his masterpiece. Hot, seething rage bubbled up from his stomach. "Tobi!" He called, enraged. "Get in here now, un!"

Tobi's cries stopped, and Deidara assumed that he was standing completely still, hoping that his senpai would forget about the poor man and continue his work. Deidara did consider, in fact, forgetting the whole ordeal, and going back to his sculpture. One look at his destroyed sculpture, however, and he realized there was no sculpture to go back to.

"_TOBI!"_

Tobi raced out of the closet in which he was hiding, and soon found himself face to face with his irate partner. He gulped. "Y-yes, Deidara-senpai?" Deidara leered and grabbed the lapel of Tobi's cloak, pulling him closer to his face. "Tobi," He began, his voice dangerously low, "What is your problem, un?"

Tobi gulped once again as his senpai's hot breath tickled his face. "Well, senpai," He chuckled nervously, though Deidara growled, obviously not amused, "Tobi is having his mid-life crisis!"

At this, Deidara's grip on the man's lapel loosened, and Tobi eagerly scrambled away, leaving his senpai with no other option but to stare, dumbfounded. This actually did present a matter to be pondered; Deidara had never known the exact age of his partner, though he had assumed it to be as old, if not younger than him, judging by his behavior.

The blond nin's frown slowly melted into a smug smirk. "Oh really?" Tobi nodded furiously. "Yes, senpai!" He wailed. "Tobi has no idea what to do!"

Deidara waved his hand, a façade of non interest. In fact, he was quite eager to hear about his partner's 'mid-life crisis', particularly so he could ridicule him about it later. "And what exactly is this mid-life crisis consisting of, un?" He gestured toward the bed, and Tobi graciously sat. "Well, senpai, Tobi met a girl last night, and he really liked her!"

A deadpanned look soon appeared on Deidara's face, and he gazed at the frantic Tobi. He could guess exactly what this mid-life crisis was about. Just as he guessed, Tobi blurted, "She didn't like Tobi back!" The masked man broke into loud, hysterical sobs.

Deidara rolled his eyes, the ruined sculpture completely forgotten. Of course, all women would absolutely _fawn _over an immature, melodramatic, hyperactive masked man that had an apparent lack of common sense. "Well, feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help. Did you and she have conversation?"

"Yes, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi squealed. After a few seconds, however, he added, "Well, after Tobi followed her without her seeing him for a while."

The explosion specialist facepalmed, shaking his head. "So basically, you stalked her, un."

"Of course not, senpai! Tobi just followed her without her seeing him!"

"That's stalking, Tobi."

"Oh."

Deidara sighed. "Well, what did she look like, un?"

Little hearts appeared in Tobi's eyes. "Oh, senpai, she was beautiful! She had long hair, and brown eyes, and a perfect smile, and small feet, and a b-sized nose, and exactly two thousand five hundred strands of hair, and-"

"Tobi, you measured her nose? And how did you know how many strands of hair she had?"

Tobi blushed. "Tobi was paying attention, Deidara-senpai." Deidara facepalmed once again. "Where did you meet her? And when did the conversation start?"

"Well, senpai," Tobi continued, "Tobi saw her when he was coming back with the Akatsuki's groceries. She had been walking with her friends, probably to go back to her house, and Tobi started following her."

Deidara frowned. "What did you do with the groceries, un?" Tobi was silent for a while, attempting to remember. "Oops…Tobi left them by the front door of the grocery store."

"Anyway, after the girl had left her friends, Tobi popped out of the bush he was hiding in, and tried to talk to the girl. She seemed quite surprised, but eventually Tobi won her over with his charm!"

A snicker left Deidara's lips. Tobi had about as much charm as Kisame had hostility toward fish.

Tobi carried on, "First, Tobi said 'Hello, miss!". The girl seemed surprised, but she said hello, too. Tobi and the girl talked for a really long time, about cool stuff! And then, Tobi tried to talk about something he had read in a book called Icha Icha!"

Deidara's frown deepened. For some reason, he felt that this was the part where Tobi's problems would be explained. He waved his hand, signifying that Tobi should continue.

"So Tobi said, 'Damn, bitch! You supa fly! Let me pull up to da bumper and smack dat monkey!' Tobi doesn't know what he did wrong, but the girl smacked Tobi, and ran away!" A tear came to Tobi's visible eye.

Deidara twitched. Tears came to his eyes at well. "Tobi," He began, his voice shaky, "Did you really say all of that?"

Tobi nodded weakly, and, much to his chagrin, Deidara burst out laughing. Tobi stared in horror as his partner gasped for breath, tears running down his face, his hand slamming against the bed. At last, Deidara managed to wheeze, "You're not supposed to say that, Tobi."

"But why not?"

"Tobi, what do grown adults do when they love each other very much?"

"They…" Understanding finally dawned on Tobi, and, with a great wail, he ran out of the room, screaming, "_Tobi didn't mean to imply that! Ooh, Tobi is a bad boy!" _For some reason, that made Deidara laugh even harder.


End file.
